I huddled the container close between my thighs, the cool tin of the metal freezing the sweat that trickled. It was such a nice day, in such a beautiful place. I continued my journey by the waves, as I drove onward. The salted spray of the sea swept across the road, whipping past in long strokes. She would’ve liked it today, I think, I mean it has been a while since, since we well, you know, we had seen each other. Not as if we didn’t still love one another, I mean, we are still siblings. We were siblings, god this is going to take some getting used too, how could it not?
The road continued on a curvy path around the coast line, weaving back and forth like a trail of thread. I pulled into the car park and opened the door, clutching the metal close to my chest, letting my fingers caress the bands and strips that wound around it. I gazed at the beach, the long waving strip licked up by the water. I could feel my eyes flooding, the blurriness of misery and self sympathy glazing and covering my sight with a thick film. I let rip the shaken bottle withing me, letting the bubbles and liquid to burst out. The freedom of not having to worry about anyone looking at me, except the ghosts of memories, comforted me more than anything. My back slid slowly down the door, the button of my jeans, scratching the exterior as I went down. I whimpered more, letting the purge of emotion to overcome me.
The horizon in the distance, looked back, smiling down to me with the sympathetic and piteous eye, as it too, remembered the days of two young girls prancing in the waves. Jumping over the small hills the horizon sent towards us. The days we shared a stomach, and our mother lay down upon the sand and bobbed in the waves. The days of our after school time, where we would rush to the shore and flirt with the young boys; the boys that fell to your feet and hovered upon your every word. The days we would bring our family barbecues, the innocence of uniting with our relatives. The times we would bring our boyfriends, to lay upon the beach and stare at sunsets with. The times we did everything together.
Oh how it changed, oh how much it has changed. Since that day, we… We… We well, no, no, it is irrelevant, it is the past now, and I hope you forgave me, as I did for you. You left me everything, but we have no one but ourselves, that is no sure sign you forgave me. No. Nothing is sure, I just hope and pray to let my guilt fuelled mind to rest.
I walk to the sand, remove my trainers and feel the soft powdered feeling of it beneath my feet. The way it emerges through my toes, and the squeak it makes as I walk. I open the lid, and take the tin farther down to the shore. I walk till I reach the waters edge and let it lap my toes, cleansing the sand that clung to it. The wind picks up, letting out a long large sigh of pity, sending the smell of the water to me, wafting the luring sound of the rhythm of the water.
I upturn the tin, letting the ash swirling and drifting, slowly to the water, where it sticks and clings. I sigh with the wind, letting the deep sound empty from me, the slow moan of pity and be carried away, out to the distance. I wade farther out, letting the ash stick to my clothes. I cleanse myself deep in the water, letting the current take me, before I leap back to the surface. How can I be happy, knowing this could have happened because I wasn’t there? How can I survive thinking my only companions blood is clinging to my hands, no matter how much I cleanse them. The specks of congealing red, slowly turning black as I continue to rub and vigorously clean them in the depths. I scratch and claw, but our blood begins to mix, our genes entwining.
I did as I promised, I let you free in the waves we played in, and that caused enough misery, why do you want me to listen to your voice yet again? I push the CD into the cars radio, as I cradle my body upon the seat, her words spilled out, but the ones I heard were simple and heart felt:
“I forgive you.”
The words soft and gentle like a soothing lullaby, letting me drift away. I leave the car door open, and I walk back to the water. I dove in and let the waves cleanse the sorrow and misery of life from me.