I know I have been particularly inactive here. I also know that most people couldn’t really care less, but then again that hasn’t stopped me before and it won’t stop me now. So here goes.
I finally did it. Or I am doing it, slowly. I let my secret out. I’ve known for a long time, and it isn’t really a big deal, but for me it is. I am pansexual. No. I do not like pans. I mean I don’t have anything against them, they are handy kitchen utensils, but not like that. Anyway, where I go to school, it isn’t really normal, and as I share rooms with others at the school (an abstract way, I guess, of saying boarding school) it makes any form of LGBTQIA+ slightly more stigmatised than elsewhere as people may think you creepy or pervy, or whatever else.
However, despite everything, including about five years of keeping it a secret from everyone, I realise now, I don’t care. I am I. The main people I feared hating me still love me and that is all I need to know. I realise now that strangers opinions mean nothing, if they dislike me, judge me, think I am a fool or a sinner or whatever. Think me a they, or a she or a he, I am whatever they think I am on face value and I, finally am comfortable in my skin. They can think that, but I know who I am.
Why do people feel the need to label others? Why does race or gender or sexuality or ethnicity or size the labels that come to mind to base judgement off? Why can’t peoples personalities be the shape of their bodies, their behaviour the colour of their skin, their dreams of the future be their culture? They, are they. He, is he. She, is she. It doesn’t really matter I know and self labelled tags make it easier to not offend someone if they prefer certain personal pronouns or so forth. I don’t even know where I was going with this just nod and pretend to understand.
The truth is, I want to make a difference. I fear failing, but I have this fear because it leads to my true fear: of being forgotten. I don’t want to just be a small tombstone somewhere, not that I want the pyramids of Giza or anything, but I want my life to have meant something.
I know I need to start small if I want to make a difference. I know that, and where else better to start than at my own school? I have already talked to several of my friends who after I came out to them, realised their own sexuality and even if still ‘closeted’ (god how I hate that term), they know themselves and that is a difference, I know. But honestly the amount, although not great masses, that I hear from students who thought I was heterosexual, is too much I think, even if they are just quoting views from their family. We are supposed to live in a place where it should be ideal and if I want to make a difference where it really matters where people are really targeted and victimised for being who they are, I have to learn to start somewhere.
I know that my friends will help me in this, and I have some ideas, but if anyone else out there on the wide web has any ideas on how to assist my hope of making a difference at my school for Sexual And Gender Acceptance (not my idea of name BTW, it is a post of tumblr, I just agree it is easier than announcing all letters after the + in LGBT+ or leaving one out as that isn’t particularly equal)
I understand nobody really listens to my voice. I haven’t even taken important exams yet, but I want to try.
If anyone reads this far, well done, not even I could be bothered to read my own trail of thoughts,