Well, I’ve stopped working on here as much now, because I’ve realised 1: people can easily steal ideas and 2: Most competitions dislike prepublished work (even on a rarely visited website).
A lot has happened. I’ve talked to my parents more honestly about me, and they have been honest about eachother. I get the feeling they may split up, but all I want is for them to be happy. I was sad when I was told, because I don’t know if both sides can be happy. I was also surprised. I guess I am not the most observant of others emotions unless I am actively searching for them. At least everything is out in the open at home. I feel much better now the truth about me is in the open, but I worry what happens to people like me. It isn’t like anything is wrong with me, but where I am schooled (don’t get me wrong I love it here), I feel it isn’t accepted as much as other places and I am scared if it is opened to the world the way I will be treated.
I get the feeling people already know. I almost said it when I was younger and then the rumours started and I wasn’t even sure of it and I was very emotional. It is hard constantly being surrounded by people, the only time when I am alone is when I am taking a shower, or on the toilet. Even then, there is always someone in the room. Not even when I sleep.
People can probably guess my secret, my appearance and the recent character emotions, but I don’t feel prepared to tell many people.
I befriended someone at a debating MUN (Model United Nations) gathering: a complete stranger. I managed to talk to them openly about it, so why do I struggle at school? Why did I struggle at home, they know now, and I feel much more comfortable. I think I just need someone to talk to. Someone out of the blue, I’ll never meet and doesn’t know anyone I know. Someone who won’t black mail me or threaten me, but someone I can be open with. Then again, who knows who is sitting behind the messages?
I thought I had someone I could talk to face to face, but they changed. I miss their company. I really do, and I had hope of a second chance, but I lost it.
I’ll just have to wait until adult hood. Then I am free. But that freedom scares me, I can feel the edge of school getting closer and closer and it terrifies me. Life itself scares me. The unknown and unpredictability of it all.
Farewell for now,